What Makes You Feel Alive?

As a child, what did you dream of becoming when you grew-up? A civil servant? An athlete? A celebrity? An academic? A homemaker? 

Personally I never dreamt of grandeur. In fact, I would say that my dreams were nothing out of the ordinary. I recall wanting to be a doctor, an astronaut, a police officer, an actress, a teacher and an athlete.

All of these dreams, excluding one, did not withstand the passing of time and age. The occupation that captured and held my dreams - teaching! My desire to teach began when I was ten years old. From that time on, being a teacher has been what I have worked toward. My desire to teach has been one of the few constants in my life, aside from God.

While my dream has come true, I never imagined that my life would look like it does today. My life is drastically different from the dreams of my youth. I imagined that I would be living a cookie cutter life. My dreams included a house in the suburbs, a husband, a family, a job in a public school, visits from my parents, vacations to exotic places, and more. The quintessential American life.  

  

God had better plans for me. As I have seen on numerous occasions, God has a humorous way of taking my plans and rewriting them.

One of the greatest surprises of my life has been living overseas. I never thought I would leave home at the age of eighteen and travel over 5,000 miles from home to Kenya, East Africa. I never thought the inhabitants of a country would capture me heart in such a powerful way. I never thought these people would frequent my dreams eight years later. Kenya have shaped and molded every aspect of my life. It is the home of my heart!

All I experienced in Kenya influences the person I am today, and a lot of this experience occurred on the streets. 

Almost a decade later, my life in Kenya is at odds with my life in Indonesia. My days in Kenya were spent with the impoverished. My days here are spent with the privileged. My life in Kenya was unconventional. My life here is conventional.

This past week I returned to the streets! In returning I realized something life altering. I remembered what it felt like to be alive in Christ.

I am happy with where God has placed me at this time and in this place. However, let me share something that I have shared with few. Since moving here I have often felt disinterested and lost. Yes, my life is full of life, love and laughter. I am confident that God has called me here, but I do not feel alive here. My life has become routine, and my faith has become stagnant.

Yet as I entered the streets all uncertainty faded away and in its place confidence surged through me. It was as if my lungs, which had ceased to be filled with oxygen, were full once again. This was all without my knowledge. I felt fully alive!

I spent the morning reaching across barriers with the greatest gift - God's love! I remembered the passionate eighteen year old girl that left familiarity for the sake of following God’s call. I remembered the girl that cared of nothing more than making the love of God known to all she encountered. I remembered the girl that let God dream for her.

So what does this mean? My dream to teach has not changed. In fact little about my life has changed, except my heart. God has reminded of me of my first love - to live a life fully alive in Him.

 Reflecting on all that has occurred recently. I can say with confidence, "I still want to be a teacher!" I am not sure what shape or form my classroom will take in the end. Will it be in a school? Will it be in the streets? Will it be in a rural village? Will it be in a rented room? Will it be in my home? I do not have an answer, but I rest secure in the One who has all the answers. To Him I give my dreams!

What desire has God placed in heart that makes you feel fully alive? 

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 (ESV)

Letting Go of What Has Been Lost

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." (Jeremiah 29:11-13 The Message)

About a month ago I experienced a loss in my life. The details are both unnecessary and unimportant. All that is relevant is this: I made the decision to part ways with someone that I had come to care for deeply. To some people the ending of a relationship might seem insignificant. This is not the case for me! When it comes to close relationships, I am a quality person not a quantity person. I do not form meaningful relationships easily or frequently. I am a friend to many, yet close with few.

I do not trust without hesitation. I do not let down my guard easily. I tend to be circumspect when it comes to being vulnerable before people. Because it is a challenge for me to open up my heart, I highly value the important relationships that I have with others. So when a relationship ends, I tend to take it quite seriously.

The past few weeks I have been wrestling with letting go of what was lost. Through it all I have held on too tightly! The tighter my grasp the less I looked to God and the more I looked at myself. I have questioned myself. I have analyzed myself. I have criticized myself. I have blamed myself. I have examined the situation until nothing remained. I found myself withdrawing into my shell like a Hermit Crab does to protect itself from danger.

Two weeks ago the reality of what was lost hit me hard. This came with another loss. Sadly, the mother of one of my students died. Her illness was sudden, her death shocking! This loss did not directly involve me and its impact isn’t comparable. However, it was dealing with the emotional turmoil of this situation that led me to see that I had not let go of my own loss. I have been begging God to meet me in the midst of my hurt and disappointment, but I have not been willing to surrender my hurt and disappointment to Him. God has shown me that I need to stop trying and surrender. Right here, right now! I do not fully understand God's plan, but I do believe His promise, For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 NASB) All I can do is surrender and seek Him!

Maybe you have experienced loss recently. Whatever your loss might look like: a life, a relationship, a job, a dream, or health. Be reminded that God wants us to let go! He desires to take the burdens that we carry and shoulder them for us. I encourage you to let go of your loss and surrender it to God.  In the moments when you do not understand the events of life, when you are unable to see His plan, He is there for you. Stop trying, surrender!

The lyrics to this song have been my mantra lately. It is my prayer that each of us will realize that all we can do is surrender.

A Response

“When I heard, ‘God loves me’ something just popped here,” she said placing her hand on her chest. Tears flowed from her oversized, brown, clear eyes. Sitting there stroking her back, I implored her to tell me what was causing her such distress. These words poured from her lips, “When I think about Him (Jesus) suffering and dying on the cross for me, I feel so sad.” At these words I realized she was broken. Broken by the truth of the Gospel.

I am a delinquent blogger! By this point I am quite certain that the only people who follow my blog are my parents. They still read for two reasons: First, they are parents and reading your daughters blog is in the parental contract. Second, I will say to them, "Hey I blogged! You should check it out, please." The fact that they do this refers back to the primary reason

I wish I had some impressive excuse for not blogging, yet I do not! All I have is the pitiful reality that it has been almost three months since I last posted. My life continues to be quite busy, but full! You might be wondering, what has happened in the last three months? Well, in the past three months:

• I completed my first semester as a paid teacher.
• I travelled home for Christmas. 

• I was reunited with LEB after approximately 135 days of being apart. 
• I returned to Indonesia.
• I celebrated two friend’s birthdays.
• I was stuck in a bus for 7 hours, with two classes of students, while a demonstration blocked the highway.

• I was confined to my neighborhood for over 24 hours due to another local demonstration, related to the first.

• I spent several weekends with dear friends.
• I missed 7 days of work in two weeks.
• I had strep throat for the first time in my life. 

I lived! I loved! I laughed! Plus a lot more…

More recently I went on a retreat with my sixth grade students. Seeing students outside the confines of the classroom is always an adventure. You never know what crazy shenanigans will ensue. During the two days that we spent together, in the breathtaking hills of Puncak, I learned a lot about each student. The time, away from class, gave me multiple opportunities to interact with the students both in groups and individually. I am thankful for the bonds that we formed outside the classroom and the positive transfer these bonds have had inside the classroom. 

The most significant moment of the retreat came in the form of a conversation with a student. This powerful conversation is summarized in the snippet at the opening. Out of all the activities, why was this the most significant moment? Well you see, God used this conversation to remind me that when confronted with the Truth of the Gospel there will always be a response. No human being can encounter the Truth of the Gospel and not respond in one of two ways. The first response is a realization of the hopeless condition that each of us in without Jesus Christ. This realization leads one to look to Christ, believe in the name of God’s one and only Son and be saved. The second option is to not embrace the Truth of the Gospel and to continue to wander in sin.


Having said this, I am reminded of a favorite quote by Charles Spurgeon, "I take it that the highest proof of Christ’s power is not that He offers salvation, not that He bids you take it if you will, but that when you reject it, when you hate it, when you despise it, He has a power whereby He can change your mind, make you think differently from your former thoughts, and turn you from the error of your ways." 


Too often I think that I am the one who responds to God. God reminded me that when confronted with the Truth of the Gospel there is always a response, yet this response does not come from human will. I am convinced that it is a result of the powerful work of the Holy Spirit in each life that causes a response. Ultimately it is not man's will that produces salvation, it is God's will. The aforementioned student is an example of God's power to bring a person to the point of repentant brokenness. Thanks be to God for His power to change the heart of this sinner! 


So life is calling me back! Be blessed lovelies!